I have always been a person who learned by doing. Being of such a constitution, it is difficult to think about much else when someone says, “don’t do that.” As a child, I did many things I was told not to do– I touched hot stoves, climbed tall trees, and even zapped myself by sticking something into the electrical socket.
My propensity to do forbidden things was tempered by my gift for observation. I watched, observed and noted how things worked. I tested things in my mind, formulating my own assessment of how dangerous things were. When I was convinced things weren’t as dangerous as others said, I would do them– just to see what happened.
At the moment, I am still alive and kicking, all limbs and digits still accounted for. All those things that I was told might kill or harm me seriously, didn’t. Not that they couldn’t have, but lucky for me, I approached disobedience thoughtfully. Somewhere along the way, I stopped doing so many things I was told I shouldn’t do; perhaps it was because at some age I learned about sin and feared God’s judgment, or worse, hell. However, as I reflect on my history I am lead to believe something entirely different and nefarious was at work– the loss of wonder.
I could probably sit down and draw a graph that shows how my imagination diminished as my willingness to accept things at face value grew. It seems that society has a job to instill fear in every child, and that when a child learns enough reasons “not” to do things, they become grown up. Think about it, when was the last time you told someone to “grow up?” I am betting it was after someone did something that they should have known better than to do.
Just spend some time with a child, and you will here a phrase a lot like, “why?” or “how come?”. This perpetual asking usually results in an adult’s terse reply, “because I said so.” Eventually children stop asking; hopefully, they don’t stop wondering. I don’t think I have ever stopped wondering, but I did start just accepting. Much of this was due to the religious framework I was raised under– as asking why God or the Bible says something doesn’t always have much of an explanation, it just is.
When I stopped asking questions, I repressed the urge to know through first hand experience and simply relegated knowledge to something of the mind. By the time I was a young adult, I was convinced knowledge was solely the realm of the mind– simply gather enough facts and something can be known. Eventually, this rotted my desire to do anything and would become the beginning of a soul-rot that would contribute to bout of severe depression, anxiety and a complete loss of wonder.
When I took apart the patterns in my life that took me down the road of depression and anxiety, I discovered the young child full of imagination and wonder was locked in a box and starved of life. I was “doing” all of the right things on the outside, but I was dieing on the inside. The whole time, the child within me was screaming, “WHY?”. Five years have followed where I began to dismantle the cage of knowledge and set myself free to pursue life– only I have discovered that I am still fettered.
While my mind has experienced freedom, my body is stilled chained to some old patterns. I still spend way to much time thinking about doing things and almost no time actually doing them. I am stuck in an information gathering pattern. The “why” in me is alive, but my mind is stuck trying to understand all of the facets of something which paralyzes me from actually doing them.
I ask myself, “why?” and the only answer that I can come up with is, “fear.” This is the way of the world– to motivate with fear. I have swallowed the pill and it has made me sick. I see every major challenge that stands before me is an opportunity for failure. Because of that, I spend to much time trying to figure how not to fail. Ultimately, that approach causes me to do nothing, which is in itself failure, but a failure that isn’t as public or risky.
This behavior has to stop, because it robs others around me of the gifts that God has given me. It prevents me from living the life that I am uniquely equipped to live. Sure, it may seem to be a safer way to live, but strategic safety isn’t really what I see a life of faith being. There isn’t a single person in the Bible, that can be considered a pillar of faith, who wasn’t required to step outside of the knowledge of their mind, to step into a knowledge based on experience.
When I was a child, I zapped myself with electricity from the electric socket. I was told not to do that, but I did it anyway. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t get electrocuted like they said I would. Today, I know the power of electricity, I know the surge you feel when it buzzes through you. I don’t recommend that anyone stick something into a light socket, because you can get electrocuted. You don’t have to touch a hot stove to learn that you can get burned– most warnings are worth heeding.
What I would warn against, is allowing the spirit of fear to join forces with the power of knowledge and create an enemy against life. If there are things that you know to be good, but are afraid to do because of the possibility of failure, I would warn you that there is an enemy at your gate, one that will rob you of life and keep you in slavery to fear. If you have lost your sense of wonder and discovered that your gift of imagination has run away, look for the enemy, the one that robs you of spontaneity, he is probably guarding your front door.
The funny thing about fear is that he is like most bullies who have little actual power and back down when you stand up to them. Fear’s strength is given to him through inaction, acting in the face of fear robs him of any strength. When in doubt, do something. Doing nothing allows fear to win.
So, what is it that is preventing you from doing something in this new year?
